November Musings

 

It’s November and soon the trees will be bare but this has been a Fall with glorious color! We’ve just had our first real windstorms so we have no lack of leaves still on the trees. A special treat to enjoy. About the middle of this month the wind won’t be needed for the rest to drop and the landscape will be colorless by comparison. It will be time to make extra effort to add color to our days, light to our evenings and the scent of soups and baking to the home atmosphere. I love this time of year.

When I determine to look for beauty, I have found it, but this Fall it has not been effortless. Immediately after the stroke, it was easier to rejoice about the minor consequences, to revel in the grace I experienced, to trust there was goodness ahead. But, of course, circumstances didn’t stay that uncomplicated and I want to be honest and say that in spite of knowing the answer – TRUST GOD – some days it’s an all-out battle to steer my mind to the truth.

There have been days of unexplained physical weakness and wildly irregular heartbeats and adding and subtracting medicines by effect and side effect. A lot of asking “WHAT is going on NOW?” Is this a slicked slide heading down hill and not the gentle slope I hope for?

Some days I have to grit my teeth and breathe out “I WILL TRUST GOD” and some days, I just don’t and it’s not pretty in the least. I don’t want to be anxious about what is ahead and believe that the only way to not be anxious is to have control. I chase knowledge to understand and then to choose what to do about it. Then I’m reminded that I thought I was doing things well before I had a stroke out of the blue. I have no control. It’s hard to be okay with that.

But it is the truth. I have no control. What I have is a God who loves me and is working all things for my good – even the things I don’t like, even the things that make me scared, even the things that make me want to hide. My sin is imagining the awful possibilities while leaving out the awesome provisions that God will make. My sin is that I clamor after control of the future and miss the beauty of the day that is.  And my “suffering” is so small and mostly of my own making.

1 Peter 4:19 “Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.”

It’s a miserable existence trying to control what you cannot. I’m learning that doing the next right thing as God shows me is a much better way. The answer is the same: TRUST GOD. It’s a work in progress for me.