Yesterday I turned another year older, and today I have gone all introspective about life.
Actually, that’s not true. I should admit that I’ve gone all introspective for a few weeks now, and thus my absence from the blog.
I thought I had created a plan by which I would avoid the annual visit of the doldrums that arrives in my head during the month of February. A stay in the sunshine and loveliness of Hawaii with my most loved ones was sure to be a cure for the annual ailment.
And it worked…for February.
But after winter, with its late appearances, finally decided to give way to spring, the doldrums still decided to make an appearance…and worse than ever.
I hardly care about a thing.
If it weren’t for my tenacious Dutch Girl guilt, I would likely still be in bed. And my lawn would be a foot high.
So I am grateful for guilt, to some degree, and more so for friends and family whose relationships draw me out of my hermitical existence and renew my interest in the world…even if it only lasts for a little while.
I have no idea why I am so apathetic about life, and all the usual things that interest me. I fear that The Big M* has a lot to do with it, and that process, being a couple years old for me, seems interminable as I look ahead.
But on the other hand, who cares?
Thankfully, this spate of the doldrums, though severe, is not full of anxiety. I’m not worrying about it. I expect it will pass. I would just like to go to bed until it does.
Even introspection seems like too much work. An epiphany might be helpful, but all the thoughts I’ve thunk haven’t yielded one yet.
I’ve wondered whether it’s wise to write this for all of my world to see, and I’m not sure …but I do want to write about what matters, and what is true, and not hypocritically wrap up my life in a bunch of one minute devotionals that solve every problem. So I’m telling you where I am at today… I am working on understanding why, and on how to act my way into feeling, because feeling my way into acting is definitely not working (and never has, I might add).
I’m not looking for sympathy, or solutions. I’m not crying for help. I’m just saying how it is, knowing that this too shall pass, but in the meantime, I can’t pretend.
Sometimes life just requires plodding, one step at a time…so that’s what I shall do. I expect that sometime, I shall find that I am somewhere.
*If you don’t know what The Big M is, go ask your mom…