So I had all these plans to write about my trip after sharing my anticipation.
Then my laptop died while we were gone, and I couldn't blog on the go.
And then it took a couple of weeks to get it replaced and the files moved over.
And then I was going to finally write, and catch up, and get blogging again.
Then -- our Daisie died this weekend, and I'm a big weepy mess. My heart is bruised, and I am full of anxiety that I will never be as happy again as I was when she was here. I'm tortured by "if only" thoughts, and regrets. I bounce between distraction, denial and back to despair.
Then last night, I heard that two iconic leaders of our community passed...and this after weeks where we have lost others too soon and too young. And more are suffering with dire illnesses.
It's too much. Today, I am feeling like one big open wound, bleeding at every touch...Sorrows overwhelm. So much pain for so many.
It's hard to look forward and think that we will one day be so naively happy again. Life is full of hurts.
But in the midst of the sorrow, I realize that my gratitude for all the good that has gone before is heightened. Weighed in the balance, there was more joy than there is now pain. I want my joy to have no cost, but that is not reality. To continue in this sorrowful world, I can only go forward in faith that God will give us courage, and strengthen us, to pay the price of loving deeply in a world that waits to be redeemed, a world where we will suffer separations, and physical pain, and broken hearts. I will choose faith that loving deeply is worth the pain, and that not loving, is not living. I will open my heart to joy, without reservation.
And for a few days (only, I hope), I'll probably cry while I'm doing that...but He knows I am but dust.
Someday soon, I will write a tribute to our wonderful Daisie. She was the best dog in the world, and after loving and serving us for nearly 12 years, she deserves to be remembered well. Right now, it's just too hard... I remain amazed and thankful that God made these creatures to love us.